Pretty much since the COVID-19 pandemic shelter-in-place, self-quarantine, self-isolation began, I have been alone. It was my huge blessing to have a beautiful soul- Sai Sister here for a week or two, but otherwise it’s just me since March 17. I am super happy to report I have two dogs and three cats, so I am surrounded by furry family who love to cuddle and entertain me with endless shenanigans that include indoor kitty parkour and decidedly daring dog escapes.  I have a home for safety, a dirt road for dog walks, and a mom who is always ready to chat on the phone night or day, no matter what. And I am used to living quite a solitary life.

But three months into self-isolation, I began to feel disconnected, a ghost in someone else’s hallway, a satellite strayed off course and drifting in space.  I was unable to travel into the wilderness, and so began to feel sadness and a sense of loss. My only human interactions, other than two or three minutes at the post office or grocery store twice a month talking with someone when I picked up mail or bought bread, were medically-related, and consisted of rather invasive procedures.

Health issues brought challenges, and work demands greatly increased. Weekdays: twelve-hour days, alone, staring at a computer screen. Weekends: catch-up on a second job, alone, staring at a computer screen. Small tasks grew into big productions: migrating leaks under the kitchen sink, multiple fence repairs where the dogs were escaping (did they learn how to use tools without opposable thumbs?), finding a way to transport trash to the transfer station before the ravens dragged it out into the driveway and shredded it like confetti; so many daily tasks and home maintenance duties. I drifted further away and felt I was disappearing, becoming transparent. I began to awake in the wee hours of the morning, every morning, confused as to where I was or what day was soon to dawn (was it Tuesday or Saturday?). I became almost numb, and stopped meditating.

I have been a Sai Student for about 14 years now. It was darshan with Baba that pulled me to Swami Kaleshwar. Baba came to me during a time of urgency, and I called Nityaananda (because he is my older brother and always my teacher and protector) and described Baba and the encounter in a place I have always called ‘dreamspace.’

“Who is this guy with the stick and loincloth?” I asked.

“That is Baba.” Nityaananda said.

Then I began to learn in earnest from Nityaananda. Straight away, I embarked on the Five Elements process. I stopped having seizures and panic attacks.

I know, without any doubt whatsoever, that Baba walks with me, stands with me, and lives inside my heart. My relationship with Baba brings me endless courage, comfort, and love. Baba writes the most AMAZING scripts, no way to anticipate the ‘ending’ of any one episode. No matter how ‘bad’ things seem (and believe me, things have seemed bad on many occasions), I have learned to be thankful and surrender knowing Baba is taking care. This is one of Baba’s most basic, continuous, and transformative miracles.

Three more weeks went by, and a stranger stared back at me from the mirror. My sense of disconnect grew into sadness, as though I were grieving the loss of a best friend. I felt hollow. And still I meditated only sporadically. Never, never, though, did I stop talking with Baba. Fall down, see Baba’s feet and know he will reach out hand. Feel the grip of fear squeezing tight, turn to find Baba beside you and soon he burns the fear with his gaze. Wake in the deep night to darkness and loneliness, there Baba’s face appears, the sound of footsteps in the dust and the smell of smoke, suddenly you are filled with love and peace.

Shirdi Sai Baba said that if I take one step toward him, he will take 99 steps toward me, and countless occasions have proven this to be true in my life. Truly, I find Baba is always here, right here. As Baba said, he is living in my heart. Baba is not judging me and grading me on a hierarchical scale. Instead, as I have learned through this disconnect, this haunting of my own life: Baba is the connection. And the existence of this connection does not depend on behavior, it exists outside of this illusion and our homes (our bodies), it always has been and always will be.

So, I experienced intensely the great Baba miracle: I am not alone. I will not be rejected, but am accepted and loved. Always.

This great miracle of Shirdi Sai Baba strengthens with meditation and the following of process diksha. As I have long known this, I look forward to deepening my understanding as I jump back in to meditation full on. For now, realizing I have not failed means accepting my personal Sai journey. This is a journey of epic proportions, a journey into the unknown.

“Never fear. I am near,” Baba said. Yeah, he means it.

Another miracle of Baba is his laughter; I know Baba has a sense of humor and also loves to dance spontaneously (I think mountains move and rivers change course! J). But mostly, for me, Baba is the expansive silence of interstellar travel, the folding of time and space. He listens, listens, listens, and sometimes speaks in poetry-like words that could be interpreted in over a thousand ways. Yet, ask Baba for clarity, and it is absolutely instantly yours. No matter if you’re feeling like a puny human or not.